By Renz
I was on my way downstairs at my office while I was thinking about what Jeff Bezos would look like with super long hair. I was just joking with Gage about how funny it would to imagine an alternate reality version of Jeff who owned a pizza company instead of an online retail shop, with all the same branding such big ol' pizza boxes with that iconic smile/arrow logo, and free two day shipping for your pizza orders. The reality is that Amazon does own a ton of different large companies, the first that come to mind are Whole Foods and Twitch so Jeff could definitely start a pizza company if he wanted. Either way, I'm getting further away from my point for writing this so let me get back on track.
During my walk downstairs, I needed to use the restroom so of course, I pulled out my phone to start googling a long haired Jeff. Naturally, I got bored pretty quickly since the photos I found were not as funny as I thought, but I did stumble across a pretty silly story from some sort of hair growth website. According to this sketchy website, Jeff once told a story about how his Grandfather had a violent thumb injury and needed to get surgery to replace the skin that got totally gored off. So they used skin from his grandfathers ass and the surgery was a success. However, to Grandpa Bezos' surprise, he started growing hair on the very thumb that was grafted with his apparently healthy, hairy rump. Even if this was made up, it's still pretty funny.
So then I wondered about the possibility of hiring a Bezos lookalike. Jeff doesn't exactly have a distinctly unique look. He's got a shaved head, apparently he's yolked now, and for the most part, he looks like any run of the mill suburban father. Somewhat uninteresting, friendly enough, but deep down could care less that you were hanging out with his kid just as long as you don't drink too much of his basement beer. Imagine what it means to look exactly like one of the richest men on earth. With a quick google search, I found a celebrity lookalike agency and did not find any Jeff lookalikes for hire.
I will try my very best to avoid going down this deep deep rabbit hole of the value of celeb lookalikes. These people probably make bank in the big cities so I could care less about the market for b-grade doppelgängers. The thing is, I've been blessed/cursed with the mind of an artist. This shit is weird to me. To be quite honest, the first thing I thought of was how to utilize this service as an "Art" piece. If somebody gave me the money, I'd hop straight back online to dive deeper on these lookalike services, because I would swiftly hire a ton of bootleg important people, and direct them to come to an art opening, curated by yours truly. I would put up really terrible art too. Nothing egregious, just terrible in a way that Mr. Brainwash's art can be terrible (look him up if you don't know.)
So that's the whole story. I found Bill Gates on the website. I also found Vladimir Putin, and Donald himself. They've got Pierce Brosnan, Jason Statham, The Rock, Bruno Mars, and the list goes on. My question is, why not hire all of them to come to a gallery opening? I definitely don't feel like diving any deeper to find a Jeff Lookalike, but I know he exists. Perhaps he's picking boxes now in one of Jeff's very own fulfillment centers. Just think about how meta that is for a second. We're in the thick of A.I. technology and automated facial recognition software. I personally feel like my dashing good looks are at risk of being controlled by the government. Are our identities already becoming homogenized the more our images become subject to units of data? I said earlier that I will try not to get too deep down the rabbit hole so I'll save it for another post. If you made it this far, kudos because you've just survived the mind of a confused, concerned and curious Art Pro.
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